By Janis Fontaine
Soon greetings of “Merry Christmas” will echo through malls and churches, schools and neighborhoods. But some of our neighbors may be coming to terms with the loss of a loved one this Christmas. How will they navigate the first Christmas and New Year without their family member or friend?
Churches — and synagogues and mosques, all houses of worship — are in the grief business. Most offer bereavement counseling and support of some kind.
Some churches, like St. Vincent Ferrer of Delray Beach, offer a 15-week grief support program through GriefShare, a national organization that has local leaders all over the United States.
Darin Lueken of Boca Raton and a group of about five other volunteers facilitate the program twice a year at St. Vincent Ferrer, and during the holidays the group offers a special two-hour seminar, called “Surviving the Holidays,” which is open to anyone.
This year’s seminar was last month. It attracted 10 people, plus one virtual attendee. “We tell them we are sorry for what brought you here, but we’re glad you found us,” Lueken said.
The abbreviated seminar uses a book and expert videos to convey the messages of compassion and healing. Its content is also available on the GriefShare website.
“We introduce ourselves and show a video. We’ve learned that how a person responds to the video really depends on where they are in their grief journey,” Lueken said.
Lueken and his family began a grief journey seven years ago after Lueken’s 14-year-old son died in an accident while on vacation. Lueken’s sister reached out to her pastor, who introduced Lueken to GriefShare. When he returned to Florida, Lueken completed the program at Spanish River Church. It helped him so much, he became a volunteer in his own version of paying it forward.
Fifteen weeks seems like a long time to commit, but Lueken says grief doesn’t keep track of time. “Grief is the difference between losing a limb and breaking a bone,” he said. One can heal but the other is never really the same.
The group considers all loss the same. One of the rules is that “we don’t weigh losses,” Lueken said.
Everyone sympathizes with the loss of a child, but the loss of a spouse after 50 years of marriage seems “so common that people don’t see it the same way,” Lueken said. “Everybody reacts with compassion to the loss of a child.” The group finds compassion for every loss.
Another rule is confidentiality. This allows people to share more intimate feelings, Lueken said.
And that’s about it. Grief is an individual process.
“One thing we tell people is to take ‘should’ out of their vocabulary,” as in “you should go” or “you should feel,” Lueken said.
He recommends that if you do venture out to a get-together and it’s too much, “have an exit strategy planned.”
GriefShare’s goal is to provide practical tools that will help you going forward because grief tends to stick around. “The first month or so you’re in shock, then the world normalizes, and people go back to their lives, but you don’t. We help people who are mourning realize that’s going to happen,” Lueken said.
He hopes they will leave with better tools for coping.
St. Vincent Ferrer plans to start another 15-week session in early January for members of the church. This will be a blended event offered both in person and virtually.
A special program called “Widows and Widowers: Dealing with the Loss of a Spouse” is planned from 1-3 p.m. Jan. 9.
The church also has a collection of books that can be of great comfort during times of grief.
Lueken says the program’s success has been noticed by the Catholic Diocese of Palm Beach and it plans to roll out GriefShare at other churches. Volunteers are always needed.
For more information about GriefShare at St. Vincent Ferrer, visit www.stvincentferrer.com.
To learn more about GriefShare, including other local churches that offer it, visit www.griefshare.org.
Other events
Two local churches will have GriefShare “Surviving the Holidays” events in December:
• Cason United Methodist Church, 342 N. Swinton Ave., Delray Beach, will host its seminar from 10 to 11:30 a.m. Dec. 11. Contact Julie Burton, GriefShare leader, at 561-445-0731; www.casonumc.org.
• FBC Lantana, 1126 W. Lantana Road, will host its seminar from 9 to 11 a.m. Dec. 11 with Pati Baker as leader. For more info, call 561-588-3341 or visit www.fbclantana.com.
Janis Fontaine writes about people of faith, their congregations, causes and community events. Contact her at fontaine423@outlook.com.
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